Jane sat patiently in the corner booth at the restaurant where we were both employed. Her hair dragged across her face, escaping from a hairnet she, clearly, did not care about. I could tell, from where I stood, that she was tired- though she attempted to cover it well. I did not know much about this Jane Doe besides the fact that she was apparently pregnant, and clearly very young.
I guess I was shocked, though I had no right to be. Many teenagers have kids, and many of them do fine for themselves. I guess I was mostly shocked because I can identify with this individual. Jane is my age, graduated in my class, and works where I work but we are different. We chose two different paths, neither path wrong or right, she chose a family, and I chose an education. Just different.
I slowly began walking over to the booth in an attempt to waste time before my shift. Her eyes glanced up and a welcoming smile spread across her face.
"Good morning. I am just going to be really awkward and sit here- if that is okay?" I said jokingly.
"oh, absolutely" She smiled. It was apparent she was waiting on food, but our kitchen was being slow this day.
I had heard she was pregnant from another individual and decided to ask her about it.
"Yes, this is my third."
I paused. Third? She couldn't have been older then maybe twenty-one, twenty-two.
"I have two little ones. A boy and a girl, one is four and one is six."
I gazed for a moment out a nearby window, feeling out the circumstances of the conversation. Im naturally pretty curious, but I would never have wanted to offend Jane by asking too many pressing questions.
At the time, Jane was working exceedingly more than any other employee at the restaurant. She was in before sun up, and often left around 3pm in order to make it to her other job by 3:30. She received only the 30 minute break required by law, and often ate only once a day.
I glanced past her towards the window in the near distance. An older family was walking with their kids into a pet store, all smiles. "Do your children often get along?" I asked after a brief silence.
I could never forget the way her face changed then. She continued to smile, but sadness washed over her eyes- for a second I could see whatever pain she must have felt.
"I wouldn't know. Their father won't let me see them. I haven't seen them in a long long time". For a brief moment I felt...anger? It must have been.
She continued. "He tells others that I am an unfit mother, and has many people believing it. He took them to his apartment with his girlfriend, where they now stay. Its not a bad environment, but still I would love to be allowed to be with my kids". Her fear seemed to be pushed away, and her hurt again went unnoticed. She spoke about the fear she had in trying to go to court, she spoke about jury siding with the father and what that could mean for her ability to see her kids at all. She explained her side of the story of the break up- and how she found her new fiancé. (The father of her current pregnancy).
"My daughter" she began again, with a smile across her face. "has beautiful curly hair. I hope the new baby gets my old hair as well". She continued on.
I paused. Looking at her hair, I acknowledged that there was not a dent in sight. Her hair was pin straight, with very little change in texture. I remember that a lot of kids with curly hair, end up with wavy hair as adults- but never have I seen someone who had curly hair, with completely straight hair.
Jane noticed my confusion.
"Oh. When you lose your hair, a lot of times it grows back differently." she smiled.
"Lose your hair?"
"Chemo. About three years ago. It just never grew back the same." she mentioned lightly.
I stared intensely at her face, looking for any sign of sadness, or hurt over the subject- none appeared. She glanced up for a moment after looking for her food in the distance. She smiled.
"Im sorry. I forget that some people don't know, sometimes." she started. "Thats why my husband won't let me see my kids".
"Im unreliable" she continued. "The fear was that I cannot be sure that I will be around to watch them grow up. And that scared their father".
I thought about this.
"When I was originally diagnosed with cancer, there were a lot of uncertainties. The tumor made its home in an active part of my brain, which made the effects quite unpredictable. How would this effect my behavior, my mood, my memory- who would be hurt in addition to me and at what cost? Was it worth it for me to slowly change in a way we could never predict? Was it worth it to put my kids through it?
"We had so many arguments. It ruined our relationship- but at the moment, who cared? When it comes down to losing your children to someone else, when it comes down to someone trying to take them away from you- someone you trusted and thought you loved- then who cares about your already dying relationship? It stopped mattering. He thought I was a selfish, low-life mother who cared too much about herself. He told me I was selfish. I was heartless. I was willing to put my children through this certain heart ache for my own gain.
"I simply wanted to play the unknown. Realistically, we did not KNOW if this brain tumor was beatable. We did not KNOW if it would affect my personality, or everyday processes. We did not KNOW if this tumor would take my life- all we knew, for sure, was that if the father got his way, I would never see my kids. And at the moment, he was far more persistent than the cancer- and he scared me way more. "
I nodded. "Im scaring you", she said. "I have no secrets. and, you're one of my supervisors. I just assumed you already knew all this?"
"Some" I admitted. "But, cancer? Your children?" I asked. "I had no idea."
She smiled again. "I guess a lot of people don't. But a lot of people also don't ask." She grabbed her tray, and stood up, her break over. I watched as she walked back into the kitchen, and away from the table where we had been sitting.
Two months later, I quit my job. A month after that, I learned that Jane had be fired for showing up late to work to often.
I wondered if it had to do with her children, or possibly her health. I wondered if Jane was still able to support herself and her family. I wondered if Jane had one her court case against the father of her first two kids.
Jane was strong. Stronger than many of the people I had met to that point.
Through a past of struggles, and a future of uncertainty- she persevered.
The heart of a strong Jane Doe.
